Brute Reason

A collection of thoughts about psychology, social justice, and anything else I give a shit about. freethoughtblogs.com/brutereason

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Q
Ok so where should a guy who has not been sexually successful get advice? He knows that there's a lot of rapey/misogynistic advice sites out there but what are the good advice sites?
from:Anonymous
A

johnwbh:

karmakaiser:

ozymandias314:

michaelblume:

ozymandias314-deactivated201404:

Honestly, anon, I have absolutely no idea. A lot of the feminist-type websites give advice like “don’t be creepy!” or “just read her body language!” which is very poorly operationalized. Anyone else have advice?

Some good resources listed in this post http://freethoughtblogs.com/brutereason/2013/08/21/flirting-and-sexual-harassment-not-actually-the-same-thing/ (also a really good post)

I have advice for anon from a Person Who Wishes To Remain Anonymous: 

Listen, be kind without being pushy or a pushover, try to get better at reading body language if you can, ask friends for help, be open to being propositioned.

I think that the best way to get engaged in sex is just be open about your life and experiences and desires without being bitter, not in a “I am laser-focused on one person” way but just as you are hanging out with friends. Most of my friends know my tastes, preferences, interest and history, and thus they relay that information to friends of theirs who they think might be interested (or if it turns out that a friend is themself interested). Friend-facilitated hookups are great.

If you’re going to instead approach someone alone, be straightforward about what you want early on in social contact. Here are some useful scripts:

"I think you’re really cool. Would you like to go on a date?"

"I’m attracted to you. Do you want to go out?"

Appending these with “if you don’t, that’s cool, I’d still like to be your friend” makes it better. But — this is important — only say that if it is actually true.

Only do this in an environment which the other person can easily leave (public place, they have their own way home, etc). No elevators, confined spaces, not at your house ideally. If they turn you down, you will be sad, but don’t make your sadness their problem. Have other friends to help you out with your sads.

It is not a wrong thing to do to be direct about wanting to date someone. However, you will get mostly rejections and some people will think you are creepy. This doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong: the error is in how our society organizes dating and courtship. However if you get a lot of people saying you’re creepy there is probably something you’re doing wrong and you should consult your friends, particularly your female friends.

If you don’t have female friends and you are straight: start by getting some female friends.

All right bro. I’m aspie n’shit. I became non-sucky and basically able to talk to most people by scientifically making an ass out of myself and learning from the basics. I’m talking about how to say hi, how to have your close friends not be embarrassed to be around you in public and change plans to do something private just to save themselves.

That sort of thing.

I don’t claim to be a love guru, though I am in the Ozy circle and I consider that a good job.

First Lesson: Mess Up. Observe. Learn.  Even if you prefer to hang out with a certain social circle and meet people that way the best way you can expand that circle and meet new friends is to know how to talk to strangers. The sexy part and application is comin’ at the end so the TL;DR is be socially competent and interesting and know people who know people and then let them hook you up. Now I’ll tell you how to do that.

My favorite game is “study or flirt” where I go to the coffeeshop nearby with a book and no phone, no laptop and no internet. make sure it is a hard book. Calculus, Science, Metaphysics. Whatever. Something I enjoy but have to take a regular break from.And then I either work on it or I flirt. flirt here means having a fun low commitment conversation with anyone. Not necessarily sexual. It could be, but it doesn’t have to be. If I feel socially phobic then I work. But you can only work on hard things for so long. Eventually you feel so exhausted you need to do *something*

Most people in coffee shops are open to random conversations. Sit near a group in animated discussion, wait for an inside joke with a story behind it and then be all like “What? Did you just say he hasn’t done that stupid since he set the Dean’s pants on fire!?” This indirect opener is low risk, most people like to be flattered, this complements two people, done right it indicates the person being talked about is interesting and that the people talking was funny and engaging, so engaging you got distracted from what you are doing. Or if nobody is engaged just walk up to someone and say “I’ve just been reading this really interesting but horridly dry book for three hours and I need a break, mind if I talk with you?” I also find being exhausted from reading is a great way to actually  *be* social. You’re relaxed, your more engaged with the other person since your mind isn’t running at a thousand words a second.

Do this a while and you’ll get a better feel for what “talking with strangers (tm)” is. Also you’ll build comfort in a place or series of places. Being able to go to my coffee shop, my library nook, my stressed out need a fucking drink before i finish this paper bar makes starting discussions a lot easier. I feel higher in social status in my regular places than in new place for the same reason I feel more comfortable at home than I do in Mexico. I’m regonized, the staff like me and call out to me by name and ask me how I am. A few regulars will start conversations with me. In that enviroment meeting new people is easy. Now I’ll thread this back to  ”i’m only comfortable fucking in my social circle” Well, what if your social circle pothead anime nerds who don’t know a lot of girls (if you guy)? Well then you need more friends, your current friends could be just great. But they won’t get you hooked up and laid. So make friends with a wider net, you don’t actually need to meet that many people if you know to seek out and be friends with the core connector of any group. Usually in a group of friends there’s one, maybe two people who do the inviting, plan the parties, make dinner plans, and keep everything together. Go to reddit in some /r/grownup sub (like /r/daddit) and you’ll see these people as the enter their 30s and have kids complaining about it.”I always ask them out, why can’t they do it for a change, I’m already swamped with kids, and work and I just want some help here.”That sorta thing. I dunno why, but most groups seem to have one or two people that tie everything together, these are hyper connected people who everyone seems to know and like. Know those people, be genuine friends. It’s okay if its only a casual friendship, they know everyone, they probably don’t have time for another deep abiding bro-love in their life. From there, meet his/her friends and settle into your new group. Let it slip you wish you knew someone to date.

larise Thorn’s “Confessions of a pickup artist chaser” is a good starting point on non creepy sexual success 

Oh man, I literally did an entire conference workshop on this! Unfortunately, nobody recorded it, but a bunch of people came up to me over the course of the con and told me that my advice had helped them get (consensually) laid.

I like the advice in the commentary on this post. One little tip that I’ll add that’s worked for me countless times: technology is a way to casually let people know you find them attractive without putting them on the spot in person. A few times at a con I’d text a friend something like “btw you’re really cute” and then watched as things just magically fell into place. 

And then if they’re not interested, they can easily just ignore the text, respond with a “Thanks!” and nothing else, or whatever.

Not a perfect strategy, since you can’t (and shouldn’t) use it with people you don’t already know at least a little bit. And some might still find it uncomfortable. The best thing to do is establish trust and rapport with someone before hitting on them.

  1. raisinbman reblogged this from lookingforgrandermaybes
  2. hyperkangaroo reblogged this from brutereason
  3. walrusofyore reblogged this from brutereason
  4. blackfemalescientist reblogged this from brutereason
  5. themaninthearena reblogged this from brutereason and added:
    All of these responses are super entertaining
  6. raavynndigital reblogged this from brutereason and added:
    Try Dr. NerdLove and Captain Awkward blogs. Both are really good.
  7. gratuitousreblogging reblogged this from brutereason
  8. steinpratt reblogged this from brutereason and added:
    Also, for what it’s worth, “sexually successful” can mean a lot of different things. Does it mean you’re having less sex...
  9. lookingforgrandermaybes reblogged this from brutereason
  10. lizziegoneastray reblogged this from brutereason and added:
    To answer anon’s actual question: try charismatips.org. I’ve found their advice very useful myself, even as a woman....
  11. theageofayrnd reblogged this from gymnosperm
  12. aguycalledjohn reblogged this from karmakaiser and added:
    larise Thorn’s “Confessions of a pickup artist chaser” is a good starting point on non creepy sexual success

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